


it doesn't matter (I can't feel it anyway)

by Amelia041223



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Communication? What?, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kind of plotless whump, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki is a Good Bro, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Self-Harm, Sort of? - Freeform, They just need some practice, Thor Is a Good Bro, Thor Needs a Hug, Thor is a tired king, Thor is not equipped for this, reckless self-endangerment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 08:30:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18587551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amelia041223/pseuds/Amelia041223
Summary: Something loosened in the Captain’s stance, and he let out a sigh, rubbing his forehead.“Thor,” he said slowly, “has your brother always been reckless?”Thor blinked.Or, Thor doesn't understand why Loki seems to have taken his place in the family as the self-endangering fool but he'd really really like to know.





	it doesn't matter (I can't feel it anyway)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/gifts).



> Sooo is this what I should've been working on? No...? Okay, yes, I'll update my other Loki WIP soon, but I needed to write some whump between these bros before Endgame came out as it will...probably destroy my soul.  
> Anyway, this is a sort of prompt fulfillment (of which I've...never done, first time for everything, I had fun) from this post by the amazing Lise:
> 
> https://veliseraptor.tumblr.com/post/184355758640/about-loki-and-self-harm-how-do-you-think-plays
> 
> Basically detailing Loki's relation to self-harming and pain tolerance (among other things).  
> This got ridiculously self-indulgent...  
> Anyway, I've hardly written these characters before (I've never written Thor, or basically anyone in this except Loki) so I hope this is okay and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also, this is not Infinity War or Civil War compliant, and the logistics of the politics and stuff are all kind of handwavy, just go with it.

Something was wrong with Loki.

Thor almost snorted at the thought. There was, he conceded, a lot wrong with his brother that had cropped up in recent years, especially the more genocidal of tendencies, but there was just something... _ off.  _ He couldn’t put his finger on it. 

Or maybe he could. He just really hoped he was perhaps...magnifying it all into disproportion.

But he just really couldn’t deny the small clenching in his stomach that told him, in no uncertain terms, that it must be...otherwise.

It started one week after declaring their proposed destination. Loki had, for the most part, made himself scarce during their travels, to the point where Thor actively caught himself searching for his brother while trying to brutally ignore the nagging inkling that he’d of course abandoned ship, even though Loki was the only one he had left from home when everyone else was dead and gone-

Perhaps this meant he made a habit of throwing things in Loki’s direction every chance he got (he caught them...mostly), or squeezing his shoulder more often than might be considered necessary.

Loki had been dead for so many years. Some nights he’d dream with the last shuddering of Loki’s breath ragged in his ears as his eyes lolled closed, his trembling turned to limp weight in his arms. Thor would shake him, willing it to  _ not be so  _ because he only just got him back, after everything, but the colour drained from Loki’s face in shades of sickly ashen grey and Thor knew he was  _ gone. _

And he’d wake with a cry strangling his throat, searching in the dark, before memories clambered back into his head and that’s right Loki was  _ alive,  _ not dead, and though he couldn’t stifle the surge of anger flaring in his gut for how could Loki have  _ done  _ this to him, toyed with him, it would always be followed by relief. And a lingering flutter of panic. 

Perhaps this was why Thor snapped the way he did, as he caught Loki nearly slipping from the room just as he came to make himself comfortable in the lounge, bravely popping the cap on one of the Grandmaster’s many questionably fizzy, certifiably alcoholic beverages. 

Being King was not easy.

“Loki,” his voice was harsher than he intended, and he adjusted, “where are you off to now?” 

Loki froze in his stride, only hesitating briefly before turning sharply on his heel, easy smile firmly in place.

“I wasn’t aware I was required to notify you of my whereabouts,” he said, smirking slightly, but conceded to edge back towards the couch he had previously vacated, a book materializing in his hands.

_ Books.  _ He wondered how Loki was taking the loss of the Palace Library. He had practically lived among the dust and the cloying scent of parchment, tucked away in any number of nooks for days on end, if Thor or mother didn’t drag him into the light of day.  _ Mother… _

Thor took a heavy swig of his drink, and nearly gagged at the sweetness. It ravaged his throat in burning tendrils, but he didn’t toss it away.

“You weren’t at the council meeting this morning,” Thor ventured, attempting to catch Loki’s eyes from where they were fixed firmly to his reading. They didn’t seem to be moving as rapidly as usual, however. Thor took this as a sign that he was listening, at least in part. 

“Mm,” Loki offered as acknowledgement.

“In fact, it seems I hardly ever seem to see you,” Thor continued, unfazed. 

Loki turned a page.

Thor stomached another swallow of his drink, blinked back momentary spots from his vision, and sighed. 

“I would like to know what you do with your time, if it be so much more important than aiding with Asgard’s future.”

Loki’s lips thinned, but he didn’t look up.

“I wasn’t aware my guidance was necessary,” he said airily, “I was such a  _ terrible _ king, after all, and I thought I was already lending my aid but-” he said quickly before Thor could interject, “if it’s of such importance to you,” he let out a lengthy gust of air, “I was in the healing halls, reviewing our supplies. Some are still recovering from the whole,” he waved a lofty hand to indicate the utter destruction of their planet, “I’ve even stepped in on a birth, not too long ago. There aren’t many...healers who made it,” his voice softened, “Eir wasn’t...one of them, and they are mostly inexperienced novices. I felt I was of more use there.”

Thor felt another pang in his chest at the reminder,  _ so many gone, so many lost,  _ but still, something didn’t feel quite  _ right.  _ There was a tone in his voice, a shift in his eyes. And how could Thor ever believe that Loki was doing something entirely helpful for once?

“You know,” he said at length, “I think I could benefit from your council.” Loki’s eyes shot up at that, disbelief and incredulity sharp in his gaze before it went carefully blank. Thor took another swig. Loki raised a brow.

“I mean, you were King of Asgard for  _ years,  _ you must have done something right, aside from all the-,” Loki let out a huff and buried his nose back in his book, “ _ regardless,  _ Ragnarok had still yet to claim Asgard, and that is still...something,” Loki rolled his eyes, a small sneer curling his lip, “but despite all that, there was a time when I believed you would know rule as I never would, and perhaps there is still a bit of that in you.”

_ Maybe if Loki were around more often, the nightmares would stop. _

Loki visibly swallowed, his throat bobbing, and he carefully closed his book, letting it disappear to who knew where. He slowly rose to his feet, towering over Thor.

“Though your  _ ringing endorsement,” _ did Thor detect a note of bitterness in there? “Is boundlessly complimentary, I’m afraid I haven’t the stomach for it. I think you know I would only become mindlessly bored out of my skull listening to all of you prattle on about the future, and I trust you know what I tend to lean towards when I am struck with mindless tedium.” A spark flickered in his eyes, dancing on the edge between playful and threatening, and as Loki turned to leave the room once more, Thor couldn’t help what slipped from his mouth next.

“Would I have to worry for another round of what happened on Midgard?” He said, “Would I have to worry for the possibility of you ever getting your hands on another ridiculously powerful artifact? I trust you didn’t raid father’s relics on your way out.”

The drink had yet to reach his head, and if it had he would have missed it, but in this instance he caught the slight halt in Loki’s stride, the twitching of one hand. 

A stone sank in his gut.

He barely registered slamming his bottle on the table, and rushing across the room, all he knew was that he had grabbed Loki by the shoulders, and roughly turned him around. Loki stared into his eye, rigid in his grasp, but Thor saw the nervous shift in his gaze.  _ Oh, Loki, what have you done? _

“Loki?” He tightened his grip, “where is it?” How ridiculous, of course he should have  _ known.  _

Loki jutted out his chin. “Where’s what?” He said.

Thor felt his glare darken. “You  _ know  _ what I mean.” He gave Loki a small shake, frustration scalding through his veins. Would that the thing had perished in Surtur’s flames. Nothing good could ever come of it. 

After a minute, Loki conceded, and he lowered his gaze, licking his lower lip with a nervous tongue. 

“Alright-al-alright,” He pushed Thor’s hands away, winced, his fingers flitting in a nervous tangle, before raising a palm. It shook ever so slightly. “I didn’t know what else to do, Thor,” he said, as the blue glow of the Tesseract filled the lounge, clinging to the walls, and Thor felt the pulse of raw power sing in his own blood. He felt his teeth clench. “I-I couldn’t just leave it-”

“No, of course you couldn’t, that would have been too simple,” Thor ground out, resisting the urge to slap the thing from his brother’s hand.

“Thor, it would have survived Ragnarok and been lost to the void, ripe for anyone to take, have you any inclination as to how dangerous that would have been-”

“You could have told me about this earlier!” Thor felt the first crackle of his power thrumming through his bones, and he didn’t much care. All he could think about, watching the Tesseract nestled so  _ nicely  _ in his brother’s grip, were the screams of helpless Midgardians echoing in his ears as aliens plummeted through the streets of New York, Loki’s own dagger in Thor’s side, the blood in his mouth only tasting so horribly of Loki’s  _ betrayal- _

“I was going to, I swear, on my honour I-”

“Your  _ honour _ ,” Thor bit out, rage swirling and roaring in his head, racing in sparks down his fingers, “doesn’t exist! How could I have  _ ever  _ let you trick me into believing I could trust you again, after all you’ve  _ done-”  _ Thor roared, and slapped his hand into the centre of Loki’s chest, pinning him to the wall before he could even  _ think  _ of escaping this-

“Ah, Thor, stop,  _ stop-”  _ Loki’s plea ended in a whimper, his body locking under Thor’s grip, and before Thor could so much as blink, Loki was crumpling, the Tesseract slipping from his hand to tumble across the floor. 

Thor’s attention wasn’t on that, though. 

All at once, as quickly as it came his anger fled, flushing through his veins and coiling in his stomach in a writhing lump of dread.

“ _ Loki,”  _ Thor quickly dropped to his knees, reaching out with his hands, but Loki flinched away from him, an unreadable expression glinting in his eyes before it was gone. Perhaps it was fear.

Thor didn’t want to think about that.

“Are you-are you okay?” Thor gulped, reaching out again, but Loki was already staggering to his feet, a hand bracing himself against the wall.

He hadn’t even really noticed when the bolt had loosened from his fingers. There was the evidence of it, however, in the singed hole of Loki’s tunic, and Thor caught the briefest glimpse of raw, shining red flesh, before Loki turned away from him, bolting for the door. 

There was a similar wound on his back.

“Loki, wait, I’m sor-” He choked, his throat tightening. How could he have done  _ that? _

Smoke curled from his own fists, and he tucked them firmly behind his back.

“Loki-”

He paused at the door, before slowly turning back to face Thor. 

“Thor, really, I’m fine,” he said, instantly straightening, gingerly crossing his arms in front of his chest. So Thor wouldn’t have to  _ see.  _ “It isn’t that bad, I just need to acquire some...salve from the healers. I’ll be right as rain on the morrow,” his eyes flitted to a spot behind Thor, “take it, I don’t care, just don’t chuck it out the-out the airlock,” he mumbled, and Thor followed his gaze to the Tesseract innocently burning a hole in the carpet. Thor swallowed. He couldn’t muster any rage this time, looking at it. He couldn’t feel much of anything, but a faint wave of nausea.

“We-we’re,” he gulped, “we’re not done talking about this.”

“I know.”

And Thor turned back to the door, only to find it empty. 

Loki was already gone.

He didn’t mention it much after, didn’t so much as look as though a hair were out of place, and when Thor inquired, he only rebuffed any of his concerns. 

He attended the meetings, sprawling in a chair, unable to mask his contempt and utter unconcern, but every so often offered a piece of council, usually accompanied by thinly veiled mockery. 

They elected to put the Tesseract in a case Loki had secured from Asgard, tucked firmly in Heimdall’s rooms. Thor didn’t want to have to look at the thing more than strictly necessary.

They didn’t talk about it again.

And Thor stopped touching him after that, only feeling the vaguest sense of  _ wrongness. _

 

* * *

  
  


“ _ Are you ill again?” Thor asked, wandering into the healing halls. Loki let out a long moan, a hand flopping dramatically over his eyes. _

_ “I’m dying.” _

_ Thor rolled his eyes, marching towards the bed. Not two days ago, Loki had been fine. Well, aside from when Thor hit him too hard in the practice ring with the flat of his wooden sword. They weren’t quite old enough yet for real ones, much to Thor’s chagrin. _

_ That had been a series of loud complaints, Loki clutching his chest, whimpering before their mother, who fixed Thor with the deadliest of glares. Alright, so he’d nearly cracked a rib, but they all healed fast. _

_ Now, Loki fussed with his blankets as he shivered, a sheen of sweat on his brow. _

_ “Thor, I do not believe I will make it to the changing of the season.” _

_ Thor scoffed, hopping onto the edge of Loki’s bed, jostling the mattress, and Loki groaned, throwing a pillow at his head. Thor grinned unapologetically. _

_ “If you’re going to be a nuisance, at least be a useful one,” Loki bit out, “fetch me soup from the kitchens, and a book from my shelf. I am horribly bored, and everything  _ hurts.”

_ Thor, despite himself, smiled, tugging lightly on Loki’s foot, earning himself an indignant squawk and a brief kicking. _

_ Yes, Loki always loved to wallow in his woes. Thor sometimes found it embarrassing, but Loki remained unfazed.  _

_ “I’m not going to hide what pains me, brother,” Loki would say when he’d ask, “I can’t help how I feel, and if I’m going to be writhing in agony, I might as well earn a little compassion.” He paused. “And a few favours. My book?” _

_ Thor smiled to himself, cradling a bowl of steaming soup in his hands he snatched from the servant he’d called, placing it gently on Loki’s bedside table, before slipping a book from his collection and shoving it into Loki’s arms. Loki coughed loudly into his fist, before slowly cracking open the cover. _

_ “The Lost Legend of the Valkyries, again Thor?” Loki sniped, as Thor sprawled ungracefully by Loki’s feet. _

_ “Just read it,” he said, and Loki, through hacking coughs and shivers, obliged.  _

_ Thor closed his eyes, and listened to the sound of his brother’s words, twisting through the air on strands of shimmering silver. _

_ “You just want attention,” he’d told Loki once.  _

_ Thor had learned to be more wisely distrusting of snakes after that. _

 

* * *

 

When they reached Midgard, one month later, there was the expected storm of politics and usual chaos associated with an “alien colonization,” as the members of the “U.N.” had put it. Thor was optimistic at the fact that they hadn’t included the term “invasion” as of yet in their negotiations. He had a feeling things would spiral out of control much more rapidly if it were so.

Even more fortuitously, the  _ Avengers  _ had also remained a supportive, driving force, much as Thor had predicted.

Tony Stark had been immeasurably generous in providing housing for the Asgardian refugees, and the construction of _ Placa ór Fólk  _ was well underway in a section of Norway they had been graciously permitted to call their own, securing their independence. 

There were, of course, a few...compromises.

“No,” Loki had said, shaking his head, and backing away. Likely planning to turn himself into a magpie and fly away, as he had been known to do on more than one notable occasion.

Thor had reached for him, before faltering. He covered the action with a hand scrubbing through his painfully slow-growing locks.

“Loki, I don’t want this either, but our people need you to,” Loki’s face tightened, “you’re their savior, are you not?”

“Look, Reindeer Games, it’s like this,” Stark remained unfazed by the murderous glance Loki shot him, “if you don’t cooperate, the U.N. won’t let your, um, alien space viking pals stay, which, would kind of be...bad for them, as you probably get, so if you just, you know, uh, shuffle your remarkably alive ass over to jail for, like, killing people and trying to take over the world, then everyone goes home happy. Well, except for you, but that’s beside the point-”

Thor quickly stepped between the two before Loki became overcome with the urge to put a knife anywhere on Stark’s astonishingly fragile person. 

“Loki, I’m,” Thor sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m sorry. It won’t be forever, I’ll make sure of it, but I’m afraid this must be done.The mortals are...adamant.” Loki’s stare remained inscrutably blank, and Thor pushed onward, “and we must do what we must for the good of Asgard’s people.”

Loki said nothing for a long moment, his eyes narrowing before slacking once more, and Thor felt his heart sink.

“Promise me,” he mumbled, and Thor strained to hear, “promise me you won’t-” Loki cut himself off, and shook his head.

“What?” Thor pressed, “promise you what?”

Loki looked to struggle for a moment, a brief spark of anger flashing in his eyes before it was gone, his shoulders slumping ever so slightly.

“Promise me you won’t...leave me,” he swallowed, “there.” 

“Of-Loki- of course not,” Thor said quickly, “I’ll do everything in my power to ensure you may live with us. We won’t even be travelling to Norway yet, we’ll all be here, waiting for you, before we can all set off together.”

Loki went still for a moment longer, before closing his eyes, and giving a brief, curt nod.

“Fine,” he grit out, shoving a finger in Thor’s face, “but if you leave me in there, I’m getting myself out,” he flashed a wicked grin, and Thor smiled, relief crashing over him in waves.

_ He didn’t know how long Loki would have to be away before he forgot he wasn’t still dead. _

“Thank you,” Thor blew out a breath, and there was a moment where he thought to clasp Loki by the neck, cup the side of his chin like so many times before, but...he didn’t.

And the moment passed.

It was six months before Loki was basking in the sun again, lying sprawled on a towel no one recognized as he lounged in the grass in front of the  _ Avengers Compound _ , eyes closed and long, thin fingers steepled over his stomach.

He looked...content.

Yes, that was the word.

“Hey, um, Thor?” Bruce shuffled into the space next to him, a curiously colourful bottle in hand. He gestured with it gently as he spoke. “Uh, you might want to give him this,” he proffered the product as his gaze flitted nervously to where Loki continued to soak in the sun. “It’s sunscreen, on earth we use it to protect our...skin from the sun, so we don’t burn up,” he shrugged, “I don’t know if it would work for an Asgardian, but he looks kind of...kind of pale, or, you know, more so than usual.”

“Thank you, Banner,” Thor smiled, accepting the gift, inspecting it. There were a multitude of words he wouldn’t, for the life of him, be able to pronounce printed on the side. “You are most kind.”

“Yeah, well, Ross I’m pretty sure would’ve loved to just bury me in the basement of the Raft,” Bruce said, shoving his hands into his pockets, “it’s not...a great place, if it’s designed by him. If it hadn’t been him, it...probably would’ve been me,” he cast Loki one last furtive look, before disappearing back into the compound.

Thor clutched the bottle in his hand, squeezing perhaps a little too hard.

The arches of Loki’s cheeks struck out as though sharply chiseled, nearly cutting through the skin, bruises of bluish grey shadowing under his eyes, his face stark white against the deep emerald green of the grass. A snarled wet nest of black spilled out around his head. The first thing he’d done once released and led back to the compound, a bracelet secured tight around his ankle, (which Thor had begged him not to disable,) was pop himself into the nearest shower, regardless of how close it was to his actual room.

As it turned out, it had been Stark’s, and Loki had been more than willing to use up all the hot water, smiling, if albeit tiredly, at Stark’s resulting indignation. 

Negotiations for Loki’s release (and his life) had not gone as smoothly as Thor had originally hoped. Nor had the construction in Norway, many of the Asgardians themselves scattered in cheap condominiums in New York, or else living in tents scattered over the Compound’s lawn. Most had chosen to remain close to their king and their people, but some had preferred the urban life.

Thor had been...asked to make compromises too. 

Most involved Thor continuing his work with the  _ Avengers _ , which he was happy to do, 

though it did detract most unpleasantly at times with his duty to his people. 

Thor felt the exhaustion in his bones more acutely everyday.

And as a condition for Loki’s release, he was to be “contained,” for lack of a better term, in the  _ Avengers Compound  _ where supposedly the “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” would be able to keep him in line, not permitted access to the outside unless accompanied. Loki had nearly managed to hide his scoff.

Thor may or may not have argued more adamantly for the option of Loki being included on missions. Bruce had called it a means of “rehabilitation.” At least it ensured Loki would not remain trapped in a room all hours of the day, (who knew what kind of mischief that would lead to) and would be contributing to the general continued wellbeing of the Midgardians. Loki hadn’t appeared too enthusiastic.

“Must I?” Loki had grumbled as the cuffs were removed from his wrists, leaving welted rings in the flesh. Thor knew he had matching ones on his ankles and his...neck. Loki hadn’t given them the slightest bit of notice, opting to grace the room with the full force of his dignity and contempt. If he stumbled once or twice, Thor chose not to mention it.

“Come on, you’ll love it,” Thor had encouraged, forcing cheer into his voice.

Loki hadn’t been too entirely impressed.

Now, Thor maintained his distance, leaning against the concrete of the Compound’s wall, 

watching as a small swirl of witchlights bobbed above Loki’s too thin frame. 

And the formless twitching lump in his stomach felt all too much like guilt.

_ Things would improve,  _ he thought doggedly, pushing away the feeling. Loki was himself to blame for his actions. The mortals had only acted as within their right, of course they feared him.

Thor didn’t want to think about New York, didn’t want to let his mind drift to the cube glowing ever so insistently in the back of his closet. 

Thor sighed, and scrubbed a hand down his face.

Yes, things would improve.

_ They had to. _

 

* * *

  
  


Things did not improve. In fact, they only seemed to get worse.

And it appeared to Thor that only he was aware of it. Or rather, everyone was aware of it, except for Loki.

“Your brother is insane,” the Lady Romanoff told him flatly, arms crossed. Thor raised a brow. She shook her head.

“We can’t work with him after what he did. He’ll only be a liability, and it’s unfair to ask Clint to cooperate.”

Ah.

Thor blew out a breath, and tried for his best smile.

Her expression didn’t so much as twitch.

Thor relented, raising his hands in what he hoped was a gesture of placation.

“It is...not ideal, I grant you that, but I’m afraid it’s what your “U.N” agreed upon, that Loki may be rehabilitated and give back to your people for the chaos he wrought.”

She pursed her lips, gaze flickering to a spot behind him.

“You may be right,” he conceded, “perhaps there is little hope for my brother, perhaps he may never change, but please allow him a chance to prove himself. He is decent in a fight, and I’m sure, given the chance, he may became a valuable asset to Midgard.”

He hoped he was wrong. He  _ knew  _ he was wrong. Loki had already proven his loyalty to Asgard, at least for now. There was a chance Thor would never be able to fully trust Loki again, but he had already sacrificed several months inside a cell. That had to speak for something.

“Also, please don’t let him try to use the stove again,” Romanoff added after a moment, “he nearly lit the kitchen on fire,” she paused, “nice to know he has ice powers.”

Thor blinked.

“He burned himself,” she shrugged lightly, “he seemed fine, though.”

“Oh.”

Thor made a mental note to ask about it, though Loki would probably be griping, regardless. That is, if he managed to find him. It seemed as though Loki was always somewhere else and Thor likewise rushing off for meetings or missions, stretched between his people and the midgardians.

Thor felt a dull throb behind his eyepatch. 

The next few weeks passed in a frenzied blur, and Thor was only just sitting himself down to indulge in the very large mug of coffee before him, when Steve entered the room. As soon as the soldier caught his eye, he immediately began to approach and Thor inwardly groaned. His head gave another low pulse.

Nevertheless, he smiled.

“Captain, what brings you-”

“It’s about Loki,” Steve cut in without preamble. Thor felt his throat close over.

“Oh?” He croaked.  _ Oh Loki, what have you done now? _

Something loosened in the Captain’s stance, and he let out a sigh, rubbing his forehead. He then fixed Thor with a sharp expression.

“Thor,” he said slowly, “has your brother always been reckless?”

Thor blinked.

_ What? _

“What?”

Something flickered in the Captain’s eyes, and Thor finally recognized it to be discomfort laced with a smattering of regret. His expression bordered on grave.

“Thor,” there wasn’t the faintest edge of humour in it, “Loki’s been taking some serious hits on our missions. I know you guys are supposed to be...“gods” and all that, but I think he’s hurt more than he’s letting on. He won’t even let Bruce look at him. I know he’s got, uh, magic, and everything, but I think something’s wrong,” he let out a low breath, “just yesterday he took a whole knife through the shoulder while you were away, and he just...got right back up again, and didn’t seem like he’d,” Steve swallowed, “felt anything. Could you at least ask him to see Bruce-”

“What?” Thor was already rising to his feet, disturbing the table, and it was only Steve’s reflexes that saved the coffee from splattering all over the floor.

“Why did no one tell me of this?” Thor heard the growl in his voice but didn’t much care.

Steve shook his head.

“I’m sorry, I should have come earlier, but it seemed like he wasn’t too affected by any of it, and you haven’t been around a whole lot…” His brow furrowed, “how resilient are Asgardians supposed to be?”

Thor felt the first sparking of thunder bubble in his blood, and the image of Loki’s body sprawled across the Stateman’s floor abruptly flooded his mind. 

He quickly tried to reel it all back in, inhaling heavily through his nose, but he couldn’t quite quench the nervous fire simmering just under his skin.

“Even on Asgard we required healers,” Thor said gruffly, already striding down the hall, Steve in tow, “Loki may be proficient in his magic, but he always used it for tricks more than healing. I’m unsure of his…skill...” Thor tamped down on the panic welling up his throat, if Loki wasn’t too terribly affected then perhaps Thor was wrong, and he had improved astronomically in the arts of healing through the years he was king and Thor was scouring the galaxy. “He was never prone to such...mindless recklessness in the past,” Thor added quietly, “throughout our youth he was often the voice of reason to all our battlelust,” he felt the faintest of smiles brush his lips, “he enjoyed reminding me of it as often as he could.”

Steve didn’t reply, only followed with a grim briskness to his strides. 

They soon arrived outside Loki’s door, and Thor only hoped he was inside it. Steve crossed his arms.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll meet you by the ward, tell Bruce what’s going on,” he shifted on his feet before clapping a hand on Thor’s shoulder, “hopefully you can talk some sense into him.” 

Thor didn’t watch him go, but proceeded to turn his attention to the door in front of him. He thought briefly of knocking, but chances were Loki would only turn him away.

With that, Thor swung himself through the lockless door and-

He froze.

Loki sat in the centre of his room, curled on the carpet with a knife drenched in something dark and ugly shaking in his fist. 

Thor felt his blood run cold.

Loki looked up, and Thor nearly reeled back from the deep embers of red staring back at him. 

Thor took a moment to gather his thoughts as they flew in all directions in flimsy, curling scraps of paper.

“ _ Loki? _ ” He felt the word break on his tongue, fragments of spun glass. 

Something in Loki snapped, and he was on his feet, backing away, the dagger dripping what Thor realized was a thick purple liquid onto the carpet, before it vanished. Thor reached out, and Loki flinched away, and it was only then he noticed he was trembling, the blue already receding with the gentle hush of winter. 

“What are you doing? What-Loki-”

The thin raised scars decorating his face in whitened whorls receded with the blue and Thor finally  _ finally  _ felt something click.

“That was...” he couldn’t find the words-  _ of course he remembered, but knowing and seeing were so very dissimilar- _ what was Loki even  _ doing  _ with the knife? 

Loki’s breath was stunted, slightly ragged, and Thor thought he saw something wet glisten in his eyes- now green and  _ familiar _ \- before it was gone. 

“Thor,” he said, voice gratingly even. He straightened, his hands disappearing behind his back, but Thor didn’t miss the shiver running through him, rustling his clothes.

“Loki, please, tell me what I just,” he faltered, “was that your-”

“My monstrous form, yes,” Loki bit out, a trail of poison tingeing his words though he spoke with maddening cordiality.

Thor felt his stomach twist with another sickening lurch.

“Not- Loki,  _ not monstrous, _ what were- what were you-” Thor reached out, and Loki only took another step back and it was only then Thor noticed he was barefoot. Loki stilled. 

A trail of blood stained the carpet a blackish blue and Thor felt something inside him fracture and slide all the way to his toes in a nauseating flush.

“Loki, lift your illusion,” the words were soft on his tongue, brittle enough to crack.

Loki didn’t move.

_ “ _ Enough _ , no more illusions.” _

Thor looked up, and clasped a hand firmly at the nape of his neck, ignoring Loki’s twitch. The touch felt right  _ he wouldn’t let him go _ though Thor nearly gasped at the chill on Loki’s skin.

Loki’s throat bobbed, colour rising in his cheeks. He lowered his gaze, and Thor felt the muscles in his neck shift and bunch to a coil under his fingertips.

A silent flicker of green, and Thor quickly turned his attention downward, lighting on the blood, a mix of red and something darker coating his ankle, running in rivulets through the grooves in his foot, and Thor felt bile rise in his throat. 

Between weeping gashes, the bright metal of the bracelet shone as though in mockery, a yellow light winking innocently through all the blood. 

Thor let his gaze wander back to Loki’s, and was met only with the blankest of stares, a sheen of pink dusting his cheeks.

“ _ Loki-” _

“I-” he shrugged, a rigid jerk of his shoulders, “I don’t- I found it a nuisance.”

Something hysterical almost stumbled from his lips, and he took a moment to shove it down.

“You, you’re  _ bleeding-” _

“It’s not as bad as it looks, Thor, it’s fine-”

“You’re  _ bleeding,  _ what in all the Norns were you  _ thinking?” _

Loki attempted to slap his hand away but Thor refused to so much as budge.

“Let me go, it’s merely a flesh wound-”

“Loki, I walk in here, looking for you because the Captain told me you’ve been injured only  _ yesterday _ and I find you- you  _ carving away at your own-” _

Loki grimaced as Thor’s words carried into a bellow, and he cut himself off.

“Please, what- tell me what’s happening, just tell me what’s wrong,” he begged, shaking Loki ever so slightly, “please.”

Loki’s expression spasmed, and he wriggled forcefully out of Thor’s grip.

“Nothing is  _ wrong,  _ Thor, I just,” he strut sharply to the bathroom, there was a rush of water, and Thor followed him to watch as he swiped carelessly, nearly savagely at the blood still seeping from his wounds. They traced a jagged circle around the band.

“I just-I can’t- I just  _ can’t take it off _ ,” he threw the bloodied towel onto the floor, though how little it managed to accomplish, and pushed past Thor back into the bedroom. 

“It’s ridiculous,” he flicked a hand in the air, “but I guess I just seem to have an aversion to  _ shackles.” _

Thor swallowed thickly.

“And the- and the-” he gestured lamely, “the, your-”

Loki spun on his heel, something mad and all too terrible and familiar blazing in his eyes, and Thor felt his mouth go dry.

“My other  _ form, _ you mean?” His lips stretched into the most manic of smiles, as jagged as the shards of a shattered mirror, “just adds to the fun.”

Thor...didn’t know what to think. Didn’t know what to feel, aside from mounting horror accompanied by a guilty smattering of revulsion. 

“ _ Loki-” _

His smile fled as quickly as it came, and suddenly, Loki looked much too small.

“Do not trouble yourself, Thor,” he said, words faint and hollow, “it will heal. I’m not so fragile as all that.”

Thor felt himself sputtering.

“Loki, wh-  _ it will heal?  _ Since when do you speak as such? Our bodies are not made of stone-”

“ _ Your  _ body-”

“-I will not allow you to continue this. You will come with me to see Doctor Banner so we may treat your- your wounds, and then we may discuss the nature of your  _ supposed  _ recklessness in battle, though I certainly do not think the Captain is as deluded as one might believe.”

“Oh, I will, will I?” 

Thor felt his face darken into a glower, but Loki only looked...tired.

“Yes. You will.”

Loki arched a brow.

“As my king commands?”

“No,” Thor reached out, slower this time, and when Loki didn’t shy away, gently took his fingers in his own. They were cold, and Thor nearly shivered, but they were thin, horribly thin, and he almost feared the bones would snap under his grip. He didn’t let go. “Because I do not wish to see you ill, or pained, I-,” he felt a lump seize in his chest, “I am frightened.”

Loki tensed.

“I am- I am frightened for you, and I do not- Loki, I do not understand.”

Loki’s silence stretched to the thinness of a thread, before it broke, fibres spiralling in limp, fraying ends.

“You need not be,” he muttered, glancing away.

“But I am,” Thor replied firmly, giving the hand he held a gentle squeeze. “Please.”

Loki chewed at the inside of his lip for a moment, mouth tensing, before Thor felt something bleed, ever so slowly, out of him. He slumped.

“Fine,” he said curtly, snatching his hand away before breezing past Thor, fresh blood left in his wake, “but only to put your mind at ease.”

“Thank you.”

“Do not concern yourself.”

Thor hastily trailed after him, bile encroaching at the back of his throat, and a small, mad part of him wondered at Stark’s reaction to all the blood Loki was so impudently smearing all over his floors.

And the other part of him, much louder, only screamed, over and over again, wrong wrong  _ wrong wrong- _

 

* * *

 

“So,” Banner shuffled on his feet, fumbling with his glasses, “I got Tony to remove the, um, bracelet, for now,” a frown on his face told Thor his exact stance on the subject, “uh, good news, though, his current injuries aren’t serious, he’ll heal...fine,” something distant entered his expression, and Thor felt the Captain tense beside him, “but, ah,” Banner shook his head, running a hand through his hair before pinching his nose, “Thor, I’m- I’m getting a lot of…”

“What?”

Banner fixed him with a stare. “Has your brother ever been...tortured?”

Thor felt himself reel backwards as though struck with the force of a blow, “ _ what?” _

Banner quickly put his hands in the air.

“Thor, there’s- there’s evidence. Of a lot. Old brakes, systematic, scarring of- of burns, punctures, um, there’s uh,” he scrubbed a hand down his face, before fixing Thor with an even sharper look, “he has fairly fresh traces of a Lichtenberg, and, I know we’re- friends, but that’s-”

Thor didn’t know what a “Lichtenberg” was, but he was already slamming through the ward’s door, startling a shirtless Loki in the process of tying the laces on his trousers.

Thor felt the world shift and tilt under his feet, and something hot stab into his remaining eye.

Tendrils twisted in ensnaring fractals from a singular point sprouting on the left side of his chest, raised flesh in mottled red and white and  _ his fault his fault _ . Beyond that, the long, painfully jagged scar stood out from all the...others  _ why were there so many why  _ and Thor was suddenly back on Svartalfheim, cradling Loki’s body to his chest as he shuddered before going so fatefully still.

_ I didn’t do it for him. _

And Loki only looked as though he were caught in the act of something particularly nefarious, frozen, before he immediately dove for his discarded shirt.

And there were only matching marks on his back. 

“ _ Loki,”  _ Thor nearly choked on the lump rising in his throat.

Loki wrestled into his shirt, neatly navigating through the various stitchings and bandages slung across his torso, his shoulders, his arms, and his fingers only fumbled with the buttons. 

“Don’t-”

“What, don’t-  _ Loki-” _

“It’s fine, Thor!” Loki slapped his hands into the air, moving to slip past him, but Thor was  _ not  _ having any of it. He blocked the door, crossing his arms over his chest, and Loki fixed him with a glare.

“You- I  _ hurt you _ , I- you were  _ stabbed-” _

Loki rolled his eyes, the thumb of his right hand jabbing into the palm of his left.

“Of course I was stabbed,” and Thor caught the rueful twist in his lips, “what, you believed I asked the elf to be gentle when we banded together in our scheme?” His eyes flashed, “I wasn’t  _ planning  _ on it, but at least it allowed me the proximity in which to stick the crude device on his belt, send it to hell where it belonged-”

“I,” Thor’s head ached, “then why didn’t you  _ tell me you lived? _ ”

Loki pursed his lips, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Oh yes, you seemed so eager to see me alive when you were throwing a hammer at my face.”

“ _ Loki.” _

“I didn’t much fancy a return to the cell you promised me at the end of our hard-earned revenge,” he said evenly, “and I believe I was rather generous with Odin at the end of it all anyway. He  _ chose  _ to stay on Midgard, Thor, far be it from me to stop him. He could have come back anytime to throw his monstrous son from his stolen throne, but he didn’t.”

“I…” Thor felt himself falter, and suddenly, there was a yawning pit widening in his chest. His toes curled over the lip of the abyss and he knew any moment now, he’d be falling.

_ Would you like me to go further back than the past two days? _

“What of,” he cleared his throat, “Banner said you were...you were...Loki, what  _ happened? _ ”

Loki stared at him for a moment, before devolving into near silent chuckles that raised the hairs on the back of Thor’s neck. He shook with the force of them, gasping, before abruptly relenting.

“You ask me now?” He mumbled, then his voice regained its volume, all trace of humour draining from his expression in the fraction of a heart beat. Something wretched shimmered in his eyes, and Loki blinked, before turning away.

“I suppose...there’s no use denying it now,” he said, swaying ever so slightly on his feet, and it was almost phrased as a question, “I...do not have overly fond memories of the void, or rather, who I...became acquainted with there.”

Ice flooded Thor’s veins.

“Who-”

Loki made a soft noise, almost like a whine, and Thor felt his teeth creak in his head. 

“They- the…” Loki shuddered, before he stiffened. “He was- is- called the Mad Titan. I- he wanted the Tesseract, and to...add Midgard to his lists of conquerings, I suppose, offer Lady Death a few more of his  _ gifts  _ and I- I couldn’t- I- I’m  _ sorry. _ ”

Thor heard the crack in his voice, and he didn’t hesitate before striding forward to weigh a hand on his shoulder, but Loki recoiled from the touch, fixing Thor with too wide green eyes.

Another twist in his gut.

“Why...why didn’t you-”

“Tell you?” Thor heard the waver in his words, cracks spidering, “and I’m certain Odin was all so eager to believe me, no, I would not have been made a fool of, it- it would have been for the best if he’d just-” Loki swallowed, and shook his head. “My head was in a bit of a jumble at the time, Thor. Memories,” a single glimmer of tears crinkled at the edges of his eyes, “they were...they were all in a bit of a tangle.”

A grin suddenly plastered itself sickeningly across his face.

“But I am better now!” He declared, spreading his arms, “I’ve been trying to be  _ more  _ than just- than just my  _ treacherous  _ self, perhaps there is still hope for me yet!” And he let loose a cackle that made Thor’s ears ring and ring.

_ No _

“Loki-”

“Am I- am I  _ enough  _ yet, Thor? Are you sure there’s still any good in me? I’m- I- I was  _ weak  _ and- and don’t-  _ I’m sorry  _ just- please don’t- please  _ don’t-” _ He gasped, tears streaming down his cheeks in icy trails, glistening, and Thor lunged forward, wrapping his brother in his arms as he shuddered with the force of choking on his sobs before letting one escape and Thor felt it echo in the rawness of the pit gaping inside him.  _ Please don’t leave me. _

“I’m not leaving you,” Thor whispered into his ear, “I will not abandon you, or discard you, I- I’m sorry, Loki, I didn’t mean,” Thor squeezed his eyes shut, burying his nose in the crown of Loki’s head, and the strands of black could only speak of  _ home.  _ “You are my brother. I would never wish you ill, to  _ hurt  _ yourself in your recklessness, I- please, please for me, cease in this madness.”

Loki’s gasps slowly turned to only shallow, trembling breaths on the back of Thor’s neck, but he didn’t pull away.

“I thought-” his voice was thick, and he coughed in an effort to clear it, “-I thought I was to be a valuable asset.”

_ Oh Norns of course he’d been listening. _

“I’m sorry,” he replied, praying the sincerity was enough, “I would rather you be alive and well, than foolishly killed for- for my sake. I-” he heaved a sigh, and it felt like releasing something, “ _ I _ need you, Loki. I do. Just as you are, and I would not wish you or anyone else to- to hurt you anymore.”

“It’s just my  _ body,  _ Thor. It doesn’t _ matter, _ ” he said dully, and Thor only held him tighter, swearing curses and the vilest of deaths to whoever this  _ Mad Titan  _ was.

They stayed that way, for a while anyway, until Loki slowly, gently pulled away, fiercely scrubbing a hand across his eyes while attempting to hide his face. Thor wished he didn’t feel the need, but he would allow him to gather his remaining scraps of pride. 

“He will come, eventually,” Loki said after a moment, when he faced Thor once more, “he searches for the remainder of the Infinity Stones, two more of which, I believe, remain on Midgard, along with the Tesseract. And-” he huffed a breath, “he also made it quite clear to me there was no crevasse I’d be able to hide myself away in, after my, huh, rather humiliating failure.”

Thor felt his fists clench.

“Good,” Thor spat, and nearly grinned at Loki’s look of alarm.

“And why, pray tell, would that in any way be good?”

“Because,” Thor said, clapping a hand on Loki’s shoulder, and only revelling in the life, the  _ life  _ that was so clear and bright in his brother. It was there, and Thor was going to be damn well sure it wasn’t going to be taken away again. Ever. “Then we just might be given the opportunity to fight him. Together. I will not have you denied your revenge, brother. It would be the most terrible of losses.”

Loki’s face, if possible, drained only more of colour.

“He is rather horrifically powerful, Thor.”

“Perhaps, but of course, I will not force you,” he said, “I would be happy enough driving my fist through his skull on my own.”

Loki slapped him lightly on the arm, releasing a nervous chuckle.

“You are quite mad,” he said, “but,” a sharp gleam entered his eyes, and Thor felt himself smile just at the sight of it, “I suppose if we are to die anyway, I would take great pleasure in driving my dagger through his eye.” He frowned. “Though for now I think we’d best begin locating the other stones and finding much better places to hide them.”

“Of course,” Thor said quickly, “I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of any of your schemes.”

That earned him another slap on the arm, and Thor couldn’t resist, he laughed.

And as he cupped Loki’s neck in the palm of his hand, he knew there were so many things he had yet to understand, but he was willing, oh so willing, to try.

And perhaps, in this way, Loki could find peace, and trust again, they both could.

It would be long, and hard, he knew, but he was, above all, certain and determined that they would live long enough to see it through.

_ He would make sure of it. _

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaanndd everyone worked through their issues and lived semi-happily ever after!
> 
> (And Thanos got a good ass kicking.)
> 
> I might do alternate POVs on this, or continue it but I'm not sure. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and, on a side note, I sort of recently created a tumblr...? so come and say hi (help me feel less lonely) and you can find me as midnight-mismanagement. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (Disclaimer: I don't have anything against Tony, I just think he might still be a little salty over being thrown out a window. I also didn't touch base much on Val, Wanda and Vision, but if I continued this I'd include Wanda and Val too at least.)
> 
> (I also didn't know if you gift things that are prompts? This isn't weird?)


End file.
